The Seeker

I seek you out as my lungs seek breath; as a ship seeks the waters.

How the moon seeks to pierce darkness; this is how I search for you.

As I peer at the stars, I beg for your forgiveness and long for you to rescue me.

I can feel hot tears searing my cheeks as I fight the confusion. Free me.

I seek you every second of every day.

Live Intentionally

Some days when the stresses of life catch up with us, we forget to sing our life song intentionally.

Don’t allow life to live you… Instead, grab ahold of it, embrace every second and whisper to your Creator, “I live, for the greatness of the life you have given me will NOT go unacknowledged.” Live intentionally and love genuinely.

“It is not the heart beating in itself that makes it special, it’s what song it is beating in tune with that makes it a melody.” ~Angie

Love to you all!

I Would Die

Wash my hands dear God,
Let them be clean.
Pump my heart dear Lord,
Let it remain full.
Clear my mind sweet Father,
So I can think again.
Lift my soul faithful King,
That I may survive.
Close my mouth Great I Am,
That I not trap myself.
Guide my feet Alpha and Omega,
That I will not stumble.
Wipe my eyes loving Jesus,
That I may always ‘see’.
Protect me my Shield,
So I can endure this life.
Raise up my courage oh Sword,
That I can fight with honor.
Rescue me precious Savior,
That I will reveal Your glory.
Move through me powerful Spirit,
So I can feel truly alive.

Every day something happens that requires me to consider my actions. From eating right to handling serious issues. Some days they are bigger than others but it is still the way of it. Some days I simply just allow my heart to be moved when it actually should be shielded. I allow my mind to chase anger. These things get mixed in with good things and they are easy to overlook but they exist. It’s not something that I think about a lot until I get to trust. I am terrible when it comes to trusting or even knowing if I am supposed to trust at all. I mean, maybe God intends for me to be on guard forever in this area. I don’t know. All I know is that I can trust Him. He never plays games with my heart. I never wonder if He loves me or if He will protect me. I only catch myself asking why but even that is cleared in His word.

I remember one day, looking at the ocean and thinking, I could walk in there and disappear and family aside, I would be missed by so few. Sure, I’m involved in tons of stuff so the shock would be widely felt, I’m sure, but not because of genuine relationships. Not because I have drank wine or broke bread with all these people. The grief would pass quickly. It wasn’t a suicidal thought or anything. I didn’t actually consider walking into the Ocean or anything and I don’t need reassurance or anything so don’t panic. LOL It was just a moment of self life evaluation.

I revisited this evaluation today and thought to myself. “Who would I be willing to die for?” For real. Not a quick, save that child from the moving car kind of giving where goodness and urgency collide, but real, contemplated I would sit and breathe my life out so that you could breathe your life in kind of willingness. To die for one is to create loss and grief for the others you would also be willing to die for.  When you look at it that way, the relationships we have become so much more important, do they not?

I am much more deliberate when I choose who can have that kind of access to my heart these days. I have embraced and trusted that God will be my mediator in life, ensuring that I do not recklessly interfere with His plan. His love for me will sustain me through all my follies. I can trust Him through anything. Sometimes He will use people for that purpose.

What I have considered today is how Jesus knew He was going to die. He knew He was going to be tortured and consciously made the decision to breathe His life out in exchange for ours… Including those who murdered him. I know how much I love my list of people whom I would be willing to die for. Can you imagine how great His love must be?

Save me from myself dear God. Don’t let me get in the way of Your glory. I love You, God and I know You hear my heart and see what I sacrifice to be honorable despite my temporary failures. But let no one ever forget Your sacrifice and how it is magnified by billions to my small ones. Let me not boast of anything but give You all the praise, because without You, I would just be dead. In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

Oregon

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Seeking the Father, allows you to see the Son who frees you to embrace the Spirit, all in One. ~Angie

“Seeking the Father, allows you to see the Son who frees you to embrace the Spirit, all in One.” ~Angie

Whatever may come, we will be

And if the wind blows
Will you remember me
Can’t you fly to the moon
And look down onto the sea

Maybe we can fade away
Into the endless bliss
I’ll touch your face
And you can blow me a kiss

If your heart were a chance
That is one I would take
Seeing the flame in your eye
Baby there’s no mistake

Love ain’t just a reason
It is what makes us live
No matter what we face
It’s what I will give

When your body aches
From years gone by
I will reach for you the same
It is you I can’t deny

Ride with me in this way
Let’s adventure in this land
It may not make sense
But baby hold my hand

Hold me like you need me
Whisper sweetness in my ear
I am ready for the unknown
For the rest of our years

Let the music race your heart
Let the words rock your soul
And dance with me forever
Our hearts finally made whole

Free yourself darlin, free me
Finding love in a new way
I’m not asking perfection
I’m just asking you to stay

We belong together
For every single joy and strife
I want it all so say yes
Give me your whole sweet life

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Why do I have to be normal?

I have never really led what you would consider a normal life.  As a matter of fact, I have not ever led anything close to it. Even though society has this ‘bubble’ it would like to keep me in, I just have a very difficult time doing that. I have always dreamed big, loved much and forgiven unconditionally.  I have also striven to learn everything I am interested in.  I am not afraid of deep water, snowy mountains or being alone.  I am terrified of people and their ability to hurt one another with just the smallest acts of carelessness.  However, I am not afraid of what they think of me at all.

These things have set me apart somehow.  Sometimes I swear I connect more to the universe than I do people.  I can look at the moon and literally feel it’s presence alone soothe me.  Yet, there are people that make me feel calmer or comforted but I am always hesitant to truly let them in to my heart.  I have many acquaintances as a result of this and the people I have let in, some involuntarily, don’t realize what a rarity it really is.  They don’t realize what it really takes for me to trust.

The normal thing to do here, would be to talk to someone I suppose, but I really feel like my life  is at it’s biggest risk when it is in the hands of others.  So, this is where I was stuck. I was hesitant to open my eyes to all the possibilities in my life because I always thought somehow, it had to be ‘okay’ with others to pursue it.  I was always under the impression that I had to include other people in my decision to enjoy my life.  Because I knew it would not be supported by those around me, not because they don’t love me but for lack of understanding why this was so important to me, I decided to ask God to just make the way.  He did.

I am not a quiet person, yet, I often did not speak how I really felt.  When people would ask how I was, I would always say, “Good!” Followed by something I was numbly blessed with.  I knew I had been blessed, but I just felt like I couldn’t tap into the spiritual end of things.  In other words, I knew I was blessed, but I just wasn’t ‘feeling’ it.  I wasn’t honest about my struggles or how alone I truly felt.  No one would understand, and no one really cared.  When I would give anything but that perfect answer, I would see a reaction I wasn’t fond of.  Pity maybe? I don’t know, but I didn’t like it.  So, I just quit being honest.  I still do this once in a while when I am struggling with trusting that specific person.

I felt God calling me.  I felt Him telling me that He had a plan for me and that the fear I was living in, was not a part of it.  He was calling me to more and I was totally freaking out!  So many times before when God called me, even though the blessings were great, the trials were exhausting and usually life threatening to me or a loved one.  I was hesitant in welcoming this calling and it worked… well, actually… okay, it didn’t work.

So, I went on this internal missions trip where we brought a VBS to a church whom desperately needed one.  We were fully staffed and had more volunteers than what we knew what to do with. During this missions trip, I was faced with some facts about myself.  I didn’t know myself, I didn’t like myself, and I didn’t trust myself.  This was a difficult thing to realize as I am a ‘leader’ of children, peers and loved ones.

During this trip, I experienced so many things, I was not prepared for.  I experienced unconditional kindness, patience, forgiveness, adventure, and encouragement.  I felt.  I know that seems so silly but I was used to up until this point, not being affected much by people outside of my immediate family. I was moved by them and their stories, but I had never been the direct recipient of these things.It changed me.  It was a confirmation from God that yes, I would be growing but for once, it wouldn’t make me wonder every day if I was going to survive it.  God had good things in store for me.

Sure enough, He blessed me.  I did a spiritual 180 and suddenly I was being faced with more joy than I had ever felt before.  I saw everything brighter, bolder, more beautiful.  The smallest things became life changing moments for me.  From a game of cards on the floor that lasted half way through the night, to grabbing an iced coffee at a little market down the road.  I could feel God breathing life into me.  I could feel his hands caressing me and telling me to just “Open your eyes.” which I did. Oh, how glorious everything seemed to be!

Smells became more aromatic, food tasted better, clothes were more comfortable and jokes just seemed so damn funny.  It was like God had walked straight up to me, bent down and  blew life right into my body. I had come to life.  I had changed.  It wasn’t like a camp high or mission high where you come home and it just slowly fades away.  This was a life altering, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, change.

Well, what ended up happening was that I came home changed.  God had taken all the craziness in my life, all the heartache, all the sadness, all the victories and celebratory moments and brought them together.  He made it so clear, I needed them to appreciate what He was giving me.  Another chance.  A chance to love unconditionally, to be patient, and to show grace even when I was hurt.  A beautiful spiritual hurricane was alive in me and there was no going back.

After we got home, this fire just got bigger.  I pursued life as never before.  With intent and purpose.  There was only one problem.  No one else was feeling what I was feeling in my heart and it seemed like I was losing my mind.  I was asked if I was going through a midlife crisis, if I was going crazy and if I had taken up drinking. It was so funny! The changes I had underwent were not experienced by those around me so naturally, they panicked a little… okay, a lot.

In embracing this new life, one person asked me, “Why can’t you just be normal?” It’s funny how the best I had ever felt, living fearlessly and confidently was the red flag here.  Didn’t everyone know that to me, THIS is normal.  This is how life was really intended to be… Alive!!!  It brought about a new question for me.  Why am I constantly trying to be normal for others to accept me? ‘Normal’ people bored me. Why was I trying to be accepted by normal people?

Well, I’m not and I am SO GLAD for it! By focusing on God and the amazing adventures that He has planned for me, I was blessed time and time again with the beauty of being alive.  I hit several walls that tried to knock me backwards, but every time, I was saved! I have been LOVING LIFE!  I continue to experience kindness, love, encouragement and all those things, and pretty much by the same people God used over the Summer.  So many seeds were planted in my heart and so many of them are already growing!  I love it!

Had I tried to be ‘normal’, I would have missed so many things.  Hikes, sunsets, sunrises, swinging on a rope, trips to the river, swimming in the lake, bbqs with close friends and amazing road trips!  I would still be missing them…  No thanks! :)  I choose life! I choose craziness and deep conversations.  I choose strolls through fields in the moonlight.  I choose coffee with a friend instead of a spotless house.  I choose laughing with my kids over trying to make them normal. I love late night texts and early morning visits.  It is different every day and man, it is so worth it.  My heart beats fast every time I think of some of these adventures.  They literally have changed everything for me.

My life will never be the same.  Thank GOD! :)   I just want to encourage you to take your life back as well, and stop trying to be NORMAL!!! You won’t regret it.  You will not regret choosing to LIVE rather than just exist! Living a godly life does not mean living a boring life. :)

Today, I am not going to edit or proofread this post.  Just going to send it as it came out!  I also am going to leave you with this scripture…

O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in Him.  Psalm 34:8

Sigh… Love this word…

Thanks for reading!

Blessings!
Angie :)

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

Personally, Mondays are not my crazy days. As a chair of a non profit for kiddos with cancer, a youth leader, wife and mother of 4, and participant in several ministries including Espresso Ministry … COFFEE PLEASE!!! … Saturdays are my craziest days! The great part about life though, is no matter what your busy days are, and no matter what life throws at us, God can use everything to grow us! This is such a fun video by Francesca Battistelli but the words ring right down to my life which I am sure you can relate to on some level if not entirely.

So hey, no matter what day is YOUR Monday…

HAVE A GREAT ONE!
Angie :)

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