I have never really led what you would consider a normal life. As a matter of fact, I have not ever led anything close to it. Even though society has this ‘bubble’ it would like to keep me in, I just have a very difficult time doing that. I have always dreamed big, loved much and forgiven unconditionally. I have also striven to learn everything I am interested in. I am not afraid of deep water, snowy mountains or being alone. I am terrified of people and their ability to hurt one another with just the smallest acts of carelessness. However, I am not afraid of what they think of me at all.
These things have set me apart somehow. Sometimes I swear I connect more to the universe than I do people. I can look at the moon and literally feel it’s presence alone soothe me. Yet, there are people that make me feel calmer or comforted but I am always hesitant to truly let them in to my heart. I have many acquaintances as a result of this and the people I have let in, some involuntarily, don’t realize what a rarity it really is. They don’t realize what it really takes for me to trust.
The normal thing to do here, would be to talk to someone I suppose, but I really feel like my life is at it’s biggest risk when it is in the hands of others. So, this is where I was stuck. I was hesitant to open my eyes to all the possibilities in my life because I always thought somehow, it had to be ‘okay’ with others to pursue it. I was always under the impression that I had to include other people in my decision to enjoy my life. Because I knew it would not be supported by those around me, not because they don’t love me but for lack of understanding why this was so important to me, I decided to ask God to just make the way. He did.
I am not a quiet person, yet, I often did not speak how I really felt. When people would ask how I was, I would always say, “Good!” Followed by something I was numbly blessed with. I knew I had been blessed, but I just felt like I couldn’t tap into the spiritual end of things. In other words, I knew I was blessed, but I just wasn’t ‘feeling’ it. I wasn’t honest about my struggles or how alone I truly felt. No one would understand, and no one really cared. When I would give anything but that perfect answer, I would see a reaction I wasn’t fond of. Pity maybe? I don’t know, but I didn’t like it. So, I just quit being honest. I still do this once in a while when I am struggling with trusting that specific person.
I felt God calling me. I felt Him telling me that He had a plan for me and that the fear I was living in, was not a part of it. He was calling me to more and I was totally freaking out! So many times before when God called me, even though the blessings were great, the trials were exhausting and usually life threatening to me or a loved one. I was hesitant in welcoming this calling and it worked… well, actually… okay, it didn’t work.
So, I went on this internal missions trip where we brought a VBS to a church whom desperately needed one. We were fully staffed and had more volunteers than what we knew what to do with. During this missions trip, I was faced with some facts about myself. I didn’t know myself, I didn’t like myself, and I didn’t trust myself. This was a difficult thing to realize as I am a ‘leader’ of children, peers and loved ones.
During this trip, I experienced so many things, I was not prepared for. I experienced unconditional kindness, patience, forgiveness, adventure, and encouragement. I felt. I know that seems so silly but I was used to up until this point, not being affected much by people outside of my immediate family. I was moved by them and their stories, but I had never been the direct recipient of these things.It changed me. It was a confirmation from God that yes, I would be growing but for once, it wouldn’t make me wonder every day if I was going to survive it. God had good things in store for me.
Sure enough, He blessed me. I did a spiritual 180 and suddenly I was being faced with more joy than I had ever felt before. I saw everything brighter, bolder, more beautiful. The smallest things became life changing moments for me. From a game of cards on the floor that lasted half way through the night, to grabbing an iced coffee at a little market down the road. I could feel God breathing life into me. I could feel his hands caressing me and telling me to just “Open your eyes.” which I did. Oh, how glorious everything seemed to be!
Smells became more aromatic, food tasted better, clothes were more comfortable and jokes just seemed so damn funny. It was like God had walked straight up to me, bent down and blew life right into my body. I had come to life. I had changed. It wasn’t like a camp high or mission high where you come home and it just slowly fades away. This was a life altering, from the bottom of my feet to the top of my head, change.
Well, what ended up happening was that I came home changed. God had taken all the craziness in my life, all the heartache, all the sadness, all the victories and celebratory moments and brought them together. He made it so clear, I needed them to appreciate what He was giving me. Another chance. A chance to love unconditionally, to be patient, and to show grace even when I was hurt. A beautiful spiritual hurricane was alive in me and there was no going back.
After we got home, this fire just got bigger. I pursued life as never before. With intent and purpose. There was only one problem. No one else was feeling what I was feeling in my heart and it seemed like I was losing my mind. I was asked if I was going through a midlife crisis, if I was going crazy and if I had taken up drinking. It was so funny! The changes I had underwent were not experienced by those around me so naturally, they panicked a little… okay, a lot.
In embracing this new life, one person asked me, “Why can’t you just be normal?” It’s funny how the best I had ever felt, living fearlessly and confidently was the red flag here. Didn’t everyone know that to me, THIS is normal. This is how life was really intended to be… Alive!!! It brought about a new question for me. Why am I constantly trying to be normal for others to accept me? ‘Normal’ people bored me. Why was I trying to be accepted by normal people?
Well, I’m not and I am SO GLAD for it! By focusing on God and the amazing adventures that He has planned for me, I was blessed time and time again with the beauty of being alive. I hit several walls that tried to knock me backwards, but every time, I was saved! I have been LOVING LIFE! I continue to experience kindness, love, encouragement and all those things, and pretty much by the same people God used over the Summer. So many seeds were planted in my heart and so many of them are already growing! I love it!
Had I tried to be ‘normal’, I would have missed so many things. Hikes, sunsets, sunrises, swinging on a rope, trips to the river, swimming in the lake, bbqs with close friends and amazing road trips! I would still be missing them… No thanks! :) I choose life! I choose craziness and deep conversations. I choose strolls through fields in the moonlight. I choose coffee with a friend instead of a spotless house. I choose laughing with my kids over trying to make them normal. I love late night texts and early morning visits. It is different every day and man, it is so worth it. My heart beats fast every time I think of some of these adventures. They literally have changed everything for me.
My life will never be the same. Thank GOD! :) I just want to encourage you to take your life back as well, and stop trying to be NORMAL!!! You won’t regret it. You will not regret choosing to LIVE rather than just exist! Living a godly life does not mean living a boring life. :)
Today, I am not going to edit or proofread this post. Just going to send it as it came out! I also am going to leave you with this scripture…
O taste and see that the Lord is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in Him. Psalm 34:8
Sigh… Love this word…
Thanks for reading!