If I could only find myself…

It’s not everyday that I go back in history to the child I was once.  To be honest, I wasn’t a child long enough to really go back there.  My days were forced.  I always had this crazy feeling that I was alone but not alone, if that makes any sense at all.  I remember being a small child and climbing our fence to the top board, closing my eyes and pretending that the wind was simply my transporter to another land.  I would feel tears stinging my cheeks as I begged into the wind, just for someone to love me.  I didn’t realize this was not normal back then.  I never knew what it was like to be the center of all the attention.  I recall being teased by my siblings that I was adopted and I completely believed it, because I knew I did not belong anywhere that I knew.

Going back a little farther…  As my parents separated, my 5-year-old mentality was just that. Terror gripped me with every second of the last day I was a child.  There was a fight.  My mom and dad were yelling at each other and my dad told my mom, she could not take his kids.  He was wrong.  I remember my mom picking me up and rushing out the door, and feeling like I was dying.  What was happening?  Was she really going to take us away?  Every second my mom ran away, my heart was begging her to run back.  My last time I saw my parents together and married, my mom was full of anger and determined to see her plan through.  My dad was sitting on the couch, a coward in my eyes.  Why was he not reaching for me?  Why was he not trying to keep me?  Why did nobody care that they were scaring me?

As we neared the car, I remember looking at the very fence that would soon be my secret getaway and it seeming so tall.  Following it down to another fence that led to my grandmother’s house.  I remember panic setting in as I realized we were leaving my grandma as well! (Technically, she was my great-aunt but we called her Grandma) She was my security.  She was never afraid to tell my parents when they needed to get a grip.  She taught me arithmetic and read me short stories that she took time to write, just to share with me. She told me never to cry unless I planned on doing something about it. She was tough and witty and always looked clean and pressed even when she was troubled.  She took care of people, even when they were dying and there would be no return.  She was bold, and intelligent and oh, how I admired her. I loved her, even when she made me hold lava soap on my tongue for sassing her. I asked my mom if I could just go to Grandma’s house. She didn’t speak at all. I received my answer when my mom set me down and guided me into the car. The answer was, “no”.

Heading down our long driveway, I watched out the window through watery eyes, just waiting for my mom to turn the car around.  Instead, she made a left turn toward town.  On the right, as the car accelerated, I saw the home of my Kindergarten teacher.  She was my comforter, her and her husband.  They taught me to churn butter and reminded me that Jesus would one day be my best friend.  My parents never talked of Jesus, so it was doubtful to me.  I listened all the same though, because everything she ever promised me, always came true.  She was honest, and loving and she believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself.  I loved to sit on their couch and run my hands through the pelt that was from Mr. Herbst’s first hunting trip after he and Mrs. Herbst wed. They asked me to come along anytime they did chores and welcomed my presence for any task they might be doing.  It was where I first learned to ride a horse. I remember the smell of Mr. Herbst when he would come in from working outside and how he would always smile at me, even if his arthritic fingers were bleeding from his work.  He was strong and kind and always willing to teach me new things.  I quickly saw my chance and asked my mom if I could please go to Mrs. Herbst’s house.  Staring forward, completely unaware of my voice, I was pretty sure she had already forgotten I was in the car.  Reflections of trees and haystacks strobe past my window, hope lost.

That’s all I remember from that day.  As a matter of fact, that is the last memory I have until a barbecue quite a while later where we met my mom’s future second husband.

It was a warm and sunny day and the air was filled with hickory scents of smoked meats and Summer.  My mom, who seemed unusually happy, was just visiting up a storm.  I think we may have lived in this home but I can’t remember.  I just remember trees and fence and house.  Somewhat of a secluded little prison of sorts.  When introduced to this man, he invited me to sit and talk a spell.  He asked me questions about assorted things, like how old I was, etc.  Just as I started to relax a little, he pulled me close and whispered into my ear. “You wanna know a secret?” He asked. “I don’t like children.” He said it very casually and just as I thought he may be joking, he slid me off his lap and stood to join the adults.  Within a year, he and my mother married.  It turned out, that he proved to be quite the liar as he obviously did like children, just in a terrible way.  He and my mom moved back into the home that my grandfather (technically, great-uncle) had built.  I was so glad to be near my grandma again and even more happy that we would be living there forever so I would never have to leave there again!  At least, that was what I thought.

But we did leave there, as my mother and grandmother could not see eye to eye about the new addition to our family.  She never ceased to voice how little she liked our new ‘dad’.  It was exactly the chance he needed, being out from under the scrutiny of our grandma and before long, our step dad showed his true colors.  Slowly, life began to drain from our family.  We moved to yet another home and my brother who could not stand to be home, moved out of our home and into our father’s home.  My mom was gone more and more storing up funds for a future in the Idaho mountains where we would become self-sufficient and have an amazing life! I remember very little from these days, other than abuse, riding my blue Schwinn bicycle with the glittery banana seat up and down the road, and the lady that lived at the end of our street that allowed us to sit inside with a cup of hot cocoa until the bus arrived.  I think she knew. That I was broken, I mean.  She always seemed to hug me just a little bit longer.  It was numbing.  The more people tried to love me without actually helping me, seemed to only make things so much worse.  I spent most of my time in class, daydreaming and slowly slipping away from the surroundings I had no desire to be connected to.

When my dad actually came to pick us up on weekends, he was so focused on his own life, that rarely did he reach into ours.  We saw him as the victim in the situation and never wanted to hurt his feelings.  Regardless, he hadn’t saved us up until this point.  Why would he save us now?  There was no point in burdening him with the specifics of what was happening in our lives.  My dad had moved back into the home our grandfather had built and when he left for work, or whatever he was doing, I would sneak out to the fence, climb to the top board and cry.  I just wanted someone who said they loved me, to save me.  I wanted someone to see my pain but I didn’t know how to tell them.  I talked to the animals and they didn’t mind.  They didn’t cry, make excuses or even try to explain things.  They surely did not tell me they loved me only to hug me and leave me right where I was.  They always listened.

At school, they did a special class about ‘Good touching vs. Bad touching’ and I learned that I had been experiencing bad touching for quite some time.  It was easy to recognize and just like they told me, I said, “No!” and told a safe adult so they could protect me.  My mom was in the shower and my step dad had taken advantage of her being indisposed in the room literally next to my bedroom.  I told him “No!” and after he smacked me so hard that my ear rang, he left the house.  I was so encouraged by his response to leave me alone, it was easy to tell my mom.  I told her exactly what the school had told me to.  “He has been touching me in a bad way!”  I burst into tears, so relieved it was over.  I saw shock in her eyes which gave way to fear, which led to anger.  She pulled on her robe and went outside to confront him.  I ran into my room to watch out the window but when I couldn’t see them anymore, I started to pack my things.  I had a life-size, stuffed, mountain lion my brother had given me, that I cherished.  He was my confidante and my best friend in the whole world.  I promised to come back for him.  I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed at the thought of leaving him.

That Summer, we all moved to Idaho together.  The abuse stopped but hope did not return me until one day, I fell asleep in a hammock, quite a distance from our new home which was still in the process of being built.  I had blisters from peeling logs without gloves on, even though my mom had told me to wear them.  I had the first book from the Narnia series on my chest and I awoke from what sounded like a tree falling right by my head.  I sat up expecting something terrible to be happening around me.  Instead, a swirl of leaves blew all around me lying in that hammock and I could feel goosebumps rising on my arms as my hair blew around my face.  There was a hill that climbed up right behind where I lay.  It was covered in beautiful birch trees, releasing gorgeous leaves in the fall that reminded me of fire.  Those same leaves were swirling around me and up the hill in such an odd way that I thought I was dreaming and had fallen into a Narnian stupor.  The blisters on my fingers however, convinced me otherwise.  My hands stung like mad and I became startled.  I began looking all around for the cause of the crashing sound, but found nothing.  I looked up the hill only to see where the new leaves had created a soft pathway.  Trying to get out of the hammock, I was not quite the master of this yet, I fell onto my hands and tore one of the blisters open.  Man, that hurt!

I was distracted again though.  What was that sound?  I hiked up the hill to notice a strip of trees that were blowing steadily while the others just twitched their leaves in the breeze.  I walked farther into a little meadow that I had never even considered entering before.  The trees circled it but where the creek went through, there was this really strong breeze  that was able to pass through.  A mound nearby was catching my eye and soon the crashing sound no longer even mattered.  When I neared the top of the small hill, I felt the breeze even stronger.  It was soft and high and wonderful.  I closed my eyes and all I could hear was the sound of peace in my ears.  You know, that sound you get when you put earplugs in and everything just seems so far away.  I don’t even know how long I sat there.  All I know is that when I heard a whistle (our call out to each other if out of earshot) I opened my eyes and realized for the first time I had been crying.  My cheeks were wet and cold and I felt like something familiar was happening.

We moved back to Oregon that following year, just our mom and us girls.  We left many things behind, including my hill with the breeze, which I had grown so fond of.  It was okay though, because we would come back, I remember thinking.  We didn’t.  We did, however, move in with our aunt and uncle, the sister of the step dad we had just left behind and were reminded every day of the life we would never be able to entirely forget.  My aunt told me once when her daughter expressed concerns of how her husband looked at me, that I needed to not encourage him by sitting too close.  It didn’t change anything.

When I was 9, we rented a home from a family friend.  I remember feeling so excited because the homeowner was so nice to us and always seemed to be genuinely interested in us. I secretly had always hoped he would be our dad, but it didn’t work that way.  My mom was a hard worker and at that time, focused mostly on trying to get back on her feet.  We rarely saw her and even more rarely communicated with her about anything other than chores and trouble.  It was not exactly the life we were expecting, but who knows what life will bring, right?  The great part about this house, while it being in town was a great downfall, there was a school right down the road, where you could climb these high metal stairs and sit up on the platform where the wind whisked through from the positioning of the buildings, creating somewhat of a tunnel.  I would just sit there with my eyes closed and let the wind blow me to another place.  A place where I was free but wanted.  Every chance we got to go to our dad’s, I would run out to the fence and just breathe.

This is a part of my childhood I avoid revisiting often and to be honest, life didn’t get much better in many areas for a really long time.  However, the years since this time in my life are a completely different story! Have you ever heard the song by Miranda Lambert, ‘The house that built me’?  Here you go!

Well, that is such a picture into how I used to approach my pain.  If I could just go back, somehow and see something I missed in my memories that would allow me to heal.  Well, let me tell you a sad story.  The house that built me, wasn’t a house at all.  It was several houses, most of which I can no longer visit.  All of them have both good and terrifying memories.  Additionally, those houses didn’t build me, they are just the locations that these things happened.  I have never truly felt at home.  Not once in my whole life have I ever felt that the house I lived in was the house I was going to remain in for the rest of my life.  Maybe it is partially because I grew up moving and even after I was on my own, I kept on moving.  I don’t know….

What I do know is that I have always found a way to make wherever I am, where I am supposed to be in that moment… Wait, let me rephrase that… What I do know is that a way to make wherever I am, where I am supposed to be, has always been given to me.  It’s not a pain-free life.  As a matter of fact, this is just the bold print in the first chapter of the book of my life!  Every day, I am faced with the passing of my life.  I don’t like to call it my past as much as passing, because these memories are still very alive and clear in my mind.  They affect my choices, my preferences, my parenting, my relationships, and my walk with Christ.  All of these things matter, but what REALLY matters is the fact that no matter where I was and no matter what was happening to me, at every turn, I was given a place to climb up closer to my Lord and feel the wind blow all my burdens away!

Obviously, God is everywhere, and does not depend on hills, or stairs or even tall wooden fences to be close to us.  Many times I have been on the floor, on my knees, lower than low and felt Him heal my heart, but there is just something about getting outside of your routine view of things that truly make you see, you are not alone and the One who loves you CREATED THE WIND! He washes all your tears away. EVERY time you cry them, He is there, just waiting for you to surrender them.

My entire life has been surrounded by signs that God was there.  From being a 14-year-old 120 lb girl, hitch hiking across the state and making it not only alive but unblemished to being a mom of a child with cancer and from waking up after a night of partying in another state at the age of 15 to being the wife of a meth addict.  I see Gods hands in every single one of those moments in my life… but I didn’t always see them when I was going through them…

Many times, I was pulling hair, sobbing, vomiting, shaking with fear, anxious and flat-out depressed.  I was worried about what I could not control and refused to hand over what I knew I was not even meant to.  I was angry and sometimes mean.  Self destructive and venomous toward those who had hurt me.  I refused to be weakened by life and was DAMN PROUD OF IT!!! I was proud… proud of a life that continuously tried to destroy me and I was single-handedly going to kick the living shit out of it.  It does not take a genius to see what this led to.  Yep… I kept being broken.  I kept falling under attack.  I kept trying to deal with everything that had ever happened to me on my own because I KNEW THE ANSWERS!  Then why in the hell was I so miserable?  Let me tell you why…

I refused to see God’s hand because I couldn’t fathom that He was there and that He loved me and that He hugged me and STILL LEFT ME THERE!  I couldn’t face this because He is God! Isn’t He supposed to be the One that saves me?  COME ON!!! Doesn’t the bible say Jesus loves me?  I had heard it!  It wasn’t news to me, I just didn’t BELIEVE IT!!!  I was pissed and scared and confused.  I had no more trust to give!

Then, Jesus came to life in me.  I had nothing left.  My husband and I were separated and God nailed me every chance He could get with the scripture I had in my head but had refused to accept into my heart.  God challenged me to no longer attempt to use Him like a genie in a bottle but as the KING and RULER of ALL THAT IS HOLY!  He breathed life into me and left me no choice but to acknowledge Him.  He said write me a story, and I threw my paper away.  He said give me your burdens and I held on as tight as I could.  He said let me love you and I yelled to Him, “I HATE YOU!”  …   Then, He went silent.  No longer did I receive comfort coming to Him because the only time I came to Him was when I wanted to see things done… MY WAY.  He stopped reminding me of His words and I found no comfort in anything I sought out.  I had no joy in anything I did.  I had separated myself from God, and He did not punish me.  His silence spoke volumes of a parent giving their child time to figure out that their parent is right.  I recognized it as I was a mother of four.  I saw it and for the very first time in my life, I actually saw God as MY FATHER.  He disciplined me, not with anger but with truth.  That without Him, I am TRULY alone.  I never really knew alone until this time in my life, nor had I ever known what LOVE really looked like…

I still live in this fallen world, and my life has never been easy.  But I am never alone and I never will be… We serve a Living God and His real name is Love.

~For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the Lord, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope.  Jeremiah 29:11~

~He who does not love, does not know God, for God is Love.  1 John 4:8 ~

~The God of my strength, in whom I will trust; My shield and the horn of my salvation, My stronghold and my refuge; My Savior, You save me from violence.
2 Samuel 22:3 ~

~Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.   Matthew 11:28~

I pray that in your life, as well as mine, there will always be a place to climb and have your burdens blown away from you, until the next time, you will need to climb again.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Point Taken???

Every morning I wake up, fling my covers back and immediately start going through what my day will entail, how long I have to get started on the first task, and what  my motives are for doing them.  I fail every single morning at doing exactly what I want to be doing.  It’s not a negative, but a positive. Positive in the fact that I am over it.  I have been trying to read a quick read book for a friend to do a review on, and I can’t even find time to read it.  The terrible part is that it’s an amazing story and all I want to do is sit down and read it right now! Time does not allow. I have 3 devotions started and unfinished, one of which I was supposed to be entering in to a contest this winter, and for some reason, it is just one thing after another. Time just won’t allow for it!  My house looks like a tornado from the events and holidays and holiday events that I have been planning and as I prepare to head out the door this morning, I gaze toward the beautiful disaster and whisper, “I will come back to you.”

I have been in this overwhelmed state before, but with twice as much on my plate.  3 years ago, this would have seemed like a slow day as I am actually able to sit here and drink this cup of coffee and write this morning.  Isn’t it funny how we push ourselves to the limit.  Nothing I do in my busy days are bad. Actually, I am grateful for the opportunity to be involved in the things I am.  I work full-time for volunteer efforts with some breaks in between.  From August through December, my days are pretty jam-packed with loving people, great causes and witnessing first hand human kindness. The rest of the year, I take a day to just be home and do nothing and there isn’t anything that really interferes with that.

So, this is my plan.  I am going to schedule my volunteer work as I would a regular work schedule but also, I am scheduling time off as an appointment.  At first thought, I was thinking that this would not work for me because I allow myself to be interrupted.  By allowing myself to be interrupted, I mean…

A little stressed

PLEASE NOTE… OTHER THAN THE THREE DOTS AFTER THE WORD ‘MEAN’ IN THE START OF A PARAGRAPH ABOVE, THIS IS WORD FOR WORD, AN UNEDITED COPY OF MY LAST ATTEMPTED POST.  ACTUALLY, I DIDN’T EVEN COPY AND PASTE IT.  I AM LITERALLY JUST TYPING THIS BELOW THE UNFINISHED POST… POINT TAKEN???

BUT WAIT!!! Before sighing and saying to yourself, “Good grief! What a dork!”, I would like you to read that last paragraph once more… you know, just for fun. Do you notice that I started it with the words, “So, this is my plan.”? MY plan… Haha! Yes, famous last words right? Right.  Yeah, well, let me tell you that my plan sucks.  My plan is terrible.  Why on earth do I think that my plan is what I am needing? Did you notice that I stated in the paragraph right before that, that I have been here before?  Did you notice how haughty I sounded when I said basically that this is nothing compared to what it used to be?  Did you know that what I was referring to was a time in my life that I was so overwhelmed that it almost killed me?  Yeah, literally, my body was fighting back physically at what I refused to change mentally.

I thought that I needed to be the answer to everything.  ‘If I didn’t do it, who would?’ Right?  Wrong… if I didn’t do it and the reason was because I needed less on my plate, and it was something that needed to be done.  Guess what?  Someone else WOULD do it!  How do I know? Because when I was in the hospital, you know, trying to stay alive, stuff got done… without me! Hello! So, it didn’t get done the way I would have done it, some people were pissed at the last-minute inconvenience for them, and I didn’t get to be involved with a couple really cool events… but I was not dead, and that was pretty cool all by itself.  My kids and husband were pretty happy about that. 🙂

I found out real quick that I needed to eliminate some things in my life if I wanted to keep mine.  God was quite a wonderful advocate for me as the scripture and my friends who listened to scripture kept bringing me words of wisdom on this subject.  I was a terrible listener at first but then, it all started to sink in and as I allowed myself to be guided, I was able to see the absolute mess I had created for myself and my family.  It was humbling to say the least, eye-opening to be considerate and a slam in the face to be really honest.  I wasn’t listening to God then and I realized when I read the attempted post above that I am on a dangerous path of justification and repetition.  Normally, before, I would have had to have had an accountability partner bring this to light in me, but the fact I caught it myself says I am growing.  Thank You, Jesus!imagesCAU2KDHA

I bought a planner to keep track of my time and just a few months ago, I was penciling in this and penciling in that, but when I looked at it the other day, I realized I was already filling in my days before I was anywhere near filling them with life things.  I saw it and felt anxiety creeping in.  I have erased half of those happenings and contacted the appropriate people to let it be known I will not be able to commit but will join in if time allows.  I felt like I had been freed seeing all those ‘blank’ slots. It was a reminder that I will always have to be conscious of the fact that I have a tendency to overbook myself.  Even if I completely master this with thought and deliberate intent, I will need to constantly keep myself in check. Reading the above post, confirmed that for me.  I am not great at time management.  I may be one day… but I am not right now and probably won’t be in the immediate future.  I’m working on it.  What I do know though, is that there is no job more important to me, than being a mom and if I am overbooked with other things, I am stealing that time from my family who loves me and needs me.

I want to share this because I am positive that I am not the only person out there that is terrible with time management.  I would like to share what is working and what isn’t working so far.  I also would like to hold myself accountable on a larger scale in hopes of growing in this area a little quicker.  Lastly, I would really just like to let someone out there who struggles with this same thing know this… You are not alone.  You are not going to be alone. You are not expected to be alone.  If you allow your life to spin out of control however, you very possibly could lose the respect of your friends and family, you could cause unnecessary fears and anxieties in your children, no matter their age… and this was the one I learned almost too late… you could lose your life.  You can die.  Stress is not okay and it is handed to us from so many sources that it’s okay to keep away the stress you can control.  It is okay to say NO, even if you are a ‘Yes Man or Yes Mam’.  If you say yes to everything, it doesn’t allow those who say no too often to get involved.  So… let me give you two lists to help.  If there are any ideas that you think I should add to either list, please feel free to share. I am still learning in this thing we call life too. 🙂

What I Have Done Wrong
(I am sure there is much more that I am unaware of but these stand out the most for me right now.  Some of these I have conquered but want to list them anyway.)

frustrated woman

1. Ignoring loved ones, warnings.
2. Ignoring comments like, “Wow, how do you manage all these things?” or “Wow, you are always running!”  It’s not that being busy is bad sometimes… it just shouldn’t be what defines you.
3. Agreeing to do something even when it doesn’t feel entirely right.  (If you have flags, pay attention to them.  Pray about it, write down the pros and cons, and wait to answer)
4. Yes should never be your first answer.  I still struggle with this one right now.  Instead, say, “Let me think about it and get back to you.” or “I would love to, so let me see if it is something that will not overwhelm my schedule.”  (If the person asking gets pissed… the answer is no. No. NO! You can say no more tactfully, but this is a HUGE flag! It usually means the person asking is overwhelmed as well, and you are probably going to be dedicating way more hours than expected. If this is not something you have been dying to get involved in, wait it out.)
5. Being late… By allowing myself to justify being late, I have justified being overwhelmed.  Focusing on time allows me to gauge whether or not I am out of control.  I am late a lot = Not in control of my time.
6. Allowing others to rule over  my time.  Sometimes I will tell someone I don’t have time to do something and they will return with things like, “Oh, it will only take a minute.” or “Please? I have a time frame I need to stick to.”  (Why are we always more worried about their timeframe than our own?)
7. Being afraid to say no.  When it becomes common knowledge that you are willing to do anything, it becomes expected and feelings can get hurt when you say no… THEY WILL GET OVER IT… IF THEY DON’T, THANK GOD FOR A BULLET DODGED.
8. Expecting others to pick up your half assed efforts due to your overwhelming schedule.  You want to lose friends or welcome bad ones? Do this to people for a while.  It will rock you right into the nuthouse. Either own it or pass it on.  This doesn’t mean you can’t delegate tasks or work as a team. This means dropping your commitment onto other people expecting them to pick up your pieces because of too many other commitments.
9. Judging others who don’t have the ‘I can do it.’ attitude like you.  This quickly allows you to get a big head on all of your amazing capabilities… even though you are late, and exhausted, and never home with your family.  Point taken???
10. Overlapping events… leave a little early from here only to be a little late to there.  You are neglecting both commitments and yes, they actually do care.
11. Mistaking these two words… Good & God… Just because it is good to do, doesn’t mean it is where God wants you.
12. Forgetting to pray before and after committing to do something.  God WILL move you.  Some commitments are actually steps to different ones.  Consistently pray about your involvements and be honest when you evaluate your involvement with them.  Are you being challenged or being let go?
13. Thinking everything needs to be done perfectly.  So many times, I have totally blew my time frame just by thinking I am the only one capable for the job.  Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb… DUMB!!!
14. Delegating only when you can supervise… Read 13 again.
15. Expecting family to just deal with your absence… Trust me when I say this.  It is wrong of you to ask it and they will never accept it without resentment.
16. Ignoring the need to evaluate and hold yourself accountable for keeping your time balanced.

What do I mean by Good or God?

Relieved woman

Good = Good cause, good people, good in general. Not BAD to be involved with, but not necessarily where you want or need to be in your life adventure. You like it and see good happening but you are not on fire for it.  You see others way more dedicated or excited about it than you.
God = Where God intends for you to be.  This should line up with the make up of your character that God designed you for. Spiritual gifts would be evident here. God would be glorified through you here. You are excited to be here and really feel God’s presence in the work done through you.  You feel true joy here.

What I Have Done Right
(These are just things I have noticed to have huge returns in sanity.  They are not all things I am good at, but are tried and true.)

October 2010 plus Faith's Sept. appt 161

1. Pray… pray about everything.  Just keeping the communication open allows you to accept answered prayers whether they are in your ‘favor’ or not.
2. Let your YES be YES and your NO be NO… being compassionate is one thing, but if you say yes, knowing later you can just say no, you will be a flake and let’s face it… everyone is annoyed by a flake.  Untrustworthy and not dependable… who wants that title? No one.
3. Start over.  Write down all of your commitments on a piece of paper. (Be prepared, this is a difficult exercise) Beside them, write the answers to these questions. What are the minimum hours in a month that are spent on this? Who placed me here… God or Good? Does this affect my family time? (This answer should always be yes unless you do it together) Do I enjoy this? Does it bring me closer to Christ? If I were to die tomorrow, would this continue without me? Who am I doing this for?
4. Number it!  After doing #3, number them in order of importance in YOUR EYES. Number them, starting with #1 being the most important and so on. This is just to give you more perspective so you can really make an educated decision.
5. Ask your friends and family.  What do they love that you do? What do they see as concerning?  (This sucks, by the way. I hate this part.  It’s the part I dread the most because I don’t share the same hearts as all of them, but I have to ask them because they love me. They see what I don’t.) This doesn’t mean you have to bury yourself deeper or the opposite, drop this cause, but it does mean that you need to be aware of how you are affecting those around you in both of these areas.
6.  Do a self check.  One month… stop doing everything. Focus solely on your growth and rejuvenation. Communicate you are taking a month off from everything to everyone. Explain it is temporary but that you need this time to see where your heart is. Ask for prayer during this time and offer thanks for their understanding.  Be honest about being overwhelmed and needing to do a self-check.  If anyone refuses to respect this or just flat-out doesn’t get it, you probably have your answer. (When I did this, I was amazed at the support I received and developed amazing accountability partners who keep their eyes on me. It was such a blessing!)
7. Focus on other’s gifts.  This is the most productive and the most beautiful thing I have learned.  Look around you.  Find people who have amazing gifts and ask them if they would like to get involved.  Through this, I have passed on things that weren’t as close to my heart to people who not only were able to take on what I was doing but made it beautiful.  Seeing others take on something you had to let go of, is such a great opportunity and you will totally see the difference between God and Good through their work.  It’s AMAZING!!!
8. Protect family time.  If you are a spouse and/or parent then you already have a number 1 on your priority list.  These are God-given relationships that will suffer if you do not put them first.  A stable home is so much more important than a stable event.  There is no job more important than holding fast the strength of your family. Get them involved or make time for them.  It’s the only way. When your kids miss you, you need to listen.  If they begin to show signs of not caring whether or not you are there, you have been gone too much. Recover this relationship immediately.
9.  Don’t schedule every Saturday. Leave some time open to be spontaneous!  You will be so grateful for this move.  I have kept this one and just love it.  If you have a hard time with this, ‘schedule’ a family day on at least one of your Saturday’s to protect it.  (If you just cringed, you are overwhelmed. Seek change immediately)
10. Adjust… Adjust… Adjust!!!  As you become more honest about your situation and more real about fixing it, you will be able to eliminate more and more, allowing yourself even more ‘free’ time.  Every time you feel it is still too much, adjust it down again.  If it still feels like too much, adjust it again.  Adjust it until you are excited again to go serve!
11. Let God be your Guide… If He is not getting the glory, you may be in the wrong place. 😉

OMG babyListen, I am not an expert on time management, as I stated above, but I am an expert of the lack of!  I know how awkward it can feel to have tons of energy and interests and be surrounded by people who are totally capable to hone in on one or two specific things and never struggle with making down time for themselves.  I love people, kids, animals, traveling and adventures.  I love serving, planning and advocating.  There are so many things I want to do and places I want to see.  I just love life. Because I refused to take control of it, I almost lost it.

Most people who struggle with this are just a time management fix away from joy.  God made us up to be amazing beings.  He intended for us to use our minds and our hearts. He intended for us to LIVE.  We are His light bulbs and He is our Power.  Sometimes we have to change our structure to work properly and if we have too much on top of us, our light is hidden.  I’m all fired up now!  Ready to rumble!!! It’s time for me to re-adjust too. 🙂

Thanks for reading!
Angie ;0)

Aside

A Visit With Friends!

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In the hustle and bustle of everyday life, sometimes I forget how important it is to spend time with friends.  A recent visit from friends brought this fact to the top of my awareness bubble.  It was so sweet to just sit and relax and visit.  Even though the visit felt like it ended too soon, it was such a blessing!

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I am surrounded by people every day, all day, but what I don’t do enough is just embrace special moments with those people.  I get so wrapped up in what ‘needs’ to be done that I forget what really matters. Taking the time to absorb life rather than just doing life.  There is just something about an absolutely adorable, sleeping baby that makes these realizations surface.  Isn’t he cute!

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Think of how you feel when you see a beautiful smile on a friends face.  It’s like a little ray of sunshine piercing through the window, making the whole room brighter!

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My favorite part of having friends with kids is the atmosphere.  I remember my parents being distraught when we had friends over and wholly expected to feel that way as an adult as well, but I don’t. There is so much life and humor in these kids, that I can’t imagine a life without them.  I love their laughter, excitement over tiny things, corny jokes, and silly stories.  It’s a priceless addition to living!

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Life… Drink it all in…

Proverbs 27:9
The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.

True Friends Strengthen and Help Each Other 
Ecclesiastes 4:9–12 
Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Likewise, two people lying close together can keep each other warm. But how can one be warm alone? A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken. (NLT)

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Here’s to visiting with friends!

~Angie~

Meet My New Pal!

For those who are sick of hearing about diets and what to do and where to go and all that jazz, this is where you need to be.  I struggle so much with a lot of the weight loss programs out there and I just feel like they feed off of the fact that people just don’t think they can do it themselves. Well, guess what? You can and I have proof!

Here is a little tip for health hopefuls that is not only simple and informational, but FREE!  Yep! Free…

Meet My Fitness Pal. It’s a real simple way to go about informing your self, managing your own diet and exercise, PLUS… here’s the good part… All you have to do is put in your information and it tracks everything for you! You just enter foods as you eat them into your food diary and it fills in the rest.  The phone app is really cool because you can scan the bar codes with your cell and make it even easier!

It’s so simple that you will really feel like you are using minimal effort to keep on track.  I look forward to entering my foods and seeing how many calories I have left for the day.

Another feature I really love is the exercise help.  It actually allows you to enter in how many minutes you work out, from walking to intense workouts and in turn, it tells you how many calories you’ve burned.  At the end of the day, when you total out your days activities, it tells you approximately how much weight you will loose at the current rate.  It is WONDERFUL for keeping reasonable goals, no matter how high or low they are!

Something you need to know about me is that I am not a huge calorie counter kind of person.  I originally started this just to prove that I was already doing it right. We eat pretty healthy in our house and I just thought there was something sneaking in my room at night and causing me to eat all those extra calories! Nope, it was me!

Eating is not bad…

And God said, “Behold, I have given you every plant yielding seed that is on the face of all the earth, and every tree with seed in its fruit. You shall have them for food. Genesis 1:29

Abusing our body is…

But I discipline my body and keep it under control, lest after preaching to others I myself should be disqualified. 1 Corinthians 9:27

I may be new at this and I may not be the best health guru to talk to but what I can tell you is that there are real results happening just in my being more conscious of what foods and how much foods I am sticking into my mouth every day.

Here’s a HUGE bonus! You can do it with your friends and family and you can even blog about your journey.  This is all on ONE website and right at your fingertips, so go check it out!  Here’s the address!

http://www.myfitnesspal.com/

Now go have fun with this!

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God. 1 Corinthians 10:31

If you are already using My Fitness Pal, please let us know what your experience has been and offer some good tips!

Happy Days!

Angie

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Is it time yet?

Sometimes I really have a hard time connecting to this world in a way that I would like to.  I see people obliviously drudging through life completely unaffected by the fact that people are suffering.  I see people in the check out line, enraged by the fact that they have to wait to pay for their food when there is someone sitting outside that very same store who just wants to be able to eat any of that food.  I see spouses abusing each other instead of protecting eachother and parents so consumed with not getting everything they want that they are unwilling to give any quality time to their kids.

I see this and more, yet… so many don’t.  I’m  confused how we can have so much pain in our world and people get so wrapped up in their daily lives that they don’t have any desire to see it or to respond to it when they do.  I don’t understand how we can all be a part of this same world, and have such completely different lifestyles and views. This isn’t a high view of myself, my flaws are many, but a plea for others to reach out.

I find myself realizing that even though I want it all to stop, that it is not going to. I understand that we live in a fallen world and I understand that we are asked to lean on God, to trust Him.  It’s not understanding that, that is the problem. My problem is that the longer I live, the more I want to leave this world.  Sure, I would love to travel the world and see all the amazing things God has created.  I would LOVE that!  I would love to travel up into the mountains and stand under waterfalls with a smile on my face, hands outstretched. I see empty fields and all I want to do is take my shoes of and run through them barefoot.  When I see a baby, I just want to grab them and give them kisses and hear their joyous giggles!

The things that keep me going are the smiles of my children, the love of my family and friends and serving the Lord.  It is what sustains my every fiber. Even so, I long for the day that Jesus comes down and cradles my face lovingly, kissing me on the forehead and releasing me from this world with one look into my eyes.  Not having to face, let alone fight the sin and temptation to sin a single second more.  Some days, more than most, this is all I wish for. Today is one of those days.

While on other days, I feel like I can’t imagine not trying to see every place I long to see on this earth, and feel that there is still so much for me to do here, I recognize they are becoming fewer and fewer the more suffering I see.  I have not lived an easy life.  I have experienced things beyond my years according to society, but I feel small in my grief compared to so many others and I have no desire to become only about those trespasses against me, but how God lifted me out of them.

Very seldom do I refer to this prayer, as I feel it is distorted daily in movies and by self accredited authors, but it is still God’s word and it is good…

Our Father in heaven,
Hallowed be Your name.
10 Your kingdom come.
Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
11 Give us this day our daily bread.
12 And forgive us our debts,
As we forgive our debtors.
13 And do not lead us into temptation,
But deliver us from the evil one.
For Yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.

Mattew 6:9-13

May God’s grace be enough for you as you fight the beasts in your life. May you find peace in your hearts until you no longer have to ask, “Is it time yet?”

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Love and Courage to You All,

Angie

Santa or no Santa

“Do you want me to tell Santa how bad you’ve been?”  should have been my first clue to the truth considering that it was usually followed by, “He knows whether you’ve been bad or good.”

As a child, I believed in Santa Claus… did you?  I know… there are a lot of really great stories out there about who he was and what he did… I am not talking about the dead Saint Nicholas and all that.  I am asking, as a child, did you believe that Santa Claus was not only alive, but lived at the North Pole, had elves and reindeer and flew in on a sleigh???

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I believed with all my heart and when I confronted my parents after learning at 7 years old… they denied that he wasn’t real and even then, couldn’t bear to tell me the truth.  What is it in a parent that makes us dread that moment of telling our kids that there really is no Santa? Guilt? Denial that our kids are so smart? Refusal to give up that special part of Christmas?

My parents did not see eye to eye about many things and neither were ever willing to accept their parts in a marriage going bad, which led to divorce when I was 5 years old.  They agreed on one thing, in my eyes, Santa.  So I asked Santa to please bring my parents back together and I just KNEW he would.

I believed everything my parents said.  I believed that picking your nose could cause brain damage and I believed that if I crossed my eyes, they would one day stick that way… And I believed that Santa was going to bring my parents back together. I believed all these little ‘white lies’ that my parents said and the reveal of the truths as I got older, made me not only see my parents as successful liars but also unreliable people to come to for truths in general. The impact was not pretty for me.  I felt deceived and hurt and suddenly, very lonely.   False hope.

Christmas was still a joyous time for me, even in that time, but it always seemed like it was missing something. There was a special something that came with the belief in Santa and it was missing.  I think it was the idea that someone out there, knew exactly what we were doing all year long, seeing the good AND the bad, and cared.  The idea that someone cared enough to think of you, every day, all year long.  Isn’t this the way we portray Santa Claus?  The all knowing?  The one who knows your name, your family, your address, whether you’ve been bad or good, even though you’ve never see him?  Sound a little like someone else we know?

Could it be possible that the revealing of Santa, allowing that creeping of doubt, could make us second guess one described oh so similar?  Then, we justify it by topping it off with lame excuses to celebrate Santa anyway because he was a ‘good soul’? Even though there are tons of  ‘good souls’ out there today and we don’t plaster their ‘self portrait’ all over our home? Are we really so naive to not see that we are creating the perfect tunnel for God to be omitted from the very holiday that was designated to his birth? So, Santa was a good Christian who brought toys to little kids with Jesus in mind.  Do we celebrate our grandma on our birthday because she loved us and did things with us in mind?  Of course not. We celebrate her on her birthday or everyday!

Think about it.  It’s a celebration of Jesus’ birth… and that is not enough? Why is Santa celebrated again?

It’s just these little things that the enemy uses to keep TRUE goodness a sweet little fairy tale. Wonderful and joyous, but with the underlining of fiction. Just almost believable.  We don’t want to face the fact that the enemy uses feel good things to deceive us every day.  Ever heard the quote, “You catch more flies with honey than vinegar!”?  Well, don’t think that the enemy doesn’t know that.  He knows that you are only going to chose something if it looks good… His job is to not only show us how good it looks, but to make it feel empowering too.  We DO love power, don’t we? Even to the point of brushing off these facts as extreme or futile.

I have faced many Christian friends and family that feel I see this too seriously, yet each of them have admitted to feeling at atleast one point, convicted on this topic and how much focus they have put on anything other than Christ.  I don’t push the issue, because I totally believe we make changes as God asks us to, not man. It’s not up to me to change you, just share with you.

The Riggs Institute tells us that the widest learning opportunity is a child up to age 10 and during that time is when our minds are framed to a way of thinking.  How old were you when you learned about Santa?  How old were you when you learned he was not real? Probably all happened in that super critical time frame, right? What do you want to be cemented into your kids at this critical learning age in reference to Christmas and the point of it all?  Santa? … or Christ…

I know this is not a favored point of view and I really just try to avoid it as most of my family does not respect it anyway, but this year, I felt that I needed to say something, so I did.  I really wish, early on, someone would have told me about God on Christmas, so I could have associated Him with the warm and loving feelings that I felt when I thought Santa was watching out for me.  Jesus is real… here and forever… It took me quite a while to realize that there really was One who didn’t want to fill my heart with presents all wrapped in paper that could break and fall apart but a real gift, that would surpass any other gift and could not be taken away.

So, I would like to know what other views are on this.  Whether you are a Christian or not, I am curious as to how you view the topic of Santa or No Santa.  Please feel free to share your opinion!

Blessings!

Angie

That’s just perfect!

Every time I think of a specific friend, (We’ll call her Kara) I think of her story of longing.   I remember her telling me that her life had ‘gotten away’ from her and that she was so sad, depressed even, that her dreams of being a passionate, energetic wife and mother were over.  Instead, she had married a headstrong, opinionated, and quite honestly, obnoxious husband who didn’t have time or the desire for ‘running off into the sunset’ or ‘living happily ever after’.  “I just can’t believe I threw my life away.” she shared with me, her hands over her face, the tears streaming down her cheeks.  I felt so helpless.  Not just because I couldn’t fix her problem but because, secretly, I was struggling with the same thing!

At that point in my life, I was a child raising children.  My blessings were constantly clouded with what ‘should have been’ and what ‘could have been’.  I always wanted to be a mom, but my idea of motherhood was first words, stumbling steps, library trips, baking little cookies and playing catch in our big beautiful yard! Instead, I was married to a meth addict, living in a trailer park, borrowing money for cigarettes and trying to convince the power company to leave the power on just one more day.  Wow! you may say?  Yep, wow.  What an extreme right?  It’s true.

Believe it or not… it’s not how I started out.  I started out powerful and in charge of my life as a parent.  Having barely escaped an abusive relationship, I knew exactly where I needed to go and Who I needed to follow.  I was determined my children would know God, not only by the words I spoke but through the choices I would make, and my actions as a follower of Christ.  I just had one problem… I wasn’t in control.  When things were going good, I thought it was because I was doing everything right, and therefore the world was right around me. Did I mention that I was young in every sense of the word?

Well, I married the ‘right’ guy… with the ‘right’ job… from the ‘right’ family… right Right RIGHT???  wrong Wrong WRONG!!! There is no right anything when it comes to the big picture of choosing a family. There is no perfect man/woman, perfect occupation, perfect family!  No matter what you say whether it is in pride or in denial, there is no human PERFECTION… NONE.  That doesn’t mean that it can’t be good, or even amazing… but never perfect.  There can, however, be a perfect plan. 

Humor me for a moment and read this…

PERFECT means being entirely without fault or defect.

Do me a favor… read that again and again.  Now, you tell me, honestly… does that describe you?  Are you perfect? Does that describe your spouse, your parent, your child, your friend?  While I’m sure you have several cute and adorable little quotes and sayings from your wonder years popping the veins in your head right now, the truth is, when you really look at the definition of that word, we are NOT it!  So much for ‘practice makes perfect!’! It’s okay if you are a little pissed off right now.  Truly, it is. We’ve all been deceived into thinking that there is a perfect mate or perfect friend or perfect parent, but the truth is that there is no such thing. Sometimes we even say, “Nobody’s perfect!”  but inside we are really saying, “But I’m pretty dang close!”

There is only One that is Perfect.  As a matter of fact, He is the only One that can honestly be called The Perfect One. He has no faults… He has no defects… He is always right… He is Perfection.

2 Corinthians 12:9
And He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.”

This passage does not say, My grace is sufficient in your perfection.  It doesn’t even say that He is expecting perfection.  Instead, He is boldly stating that His grace is sufficient for us and that through our weakness… did you catch that? In our weakness, His strength is made perfect.  Take just a moment to let that sink in.

Wait!  Here is something that will help you understand this concept further.  GRACE = favor.  It’s a gift, something not earned, but freely given. Perfect, isn’t it?

He is perfect… we are not.  He is good at it… we never will be.  He is accountable to it… we don’t have to be.  He is not expecting it from us… we meet His expectations.  See, how much easier it is to understand when you take the pressure of it away?

2 Corinthians 11:3
But I fear, lest somehow, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, so your minds may be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.

God is not so difficult to understand as the world would have us believe.  The reason it all seems so difficult to understand is because it IS simple.  It’s not God that is confusing.  It is the conception of a loving God in a fallen world full of bad ideals, unrealistic expectations and man-made goodies that tear us away from personal relationships. It’s the idea that God only wants us unsoiled and perfect so He can stand to be in our presence. But the truth is… that is such a LIE! God wants us to be with Him in our shiniest moments AND our darkest.  He doesn’t expect us to come to Him fixed and perfect.  He knows we come to Him broken.  That is EXACTLY why He gave us our Savior, Jesus Christ.  We come to Him wanting, searching, grasping, clinging and He opens His arms wide and scoops us up into His warm comforting embrace.  He loves us. We are His and He loves us, flaws and defects and all. It really is THAT simple.  Perfect, actually.

The enemy uses our own minds to deceive us into believing we are a constant failure.  That carries over into deceiving us into believing that those in our lives are also a constant failure when they don’t measure up to our expectations.  It is only when we see ourselves as the imperfect men and women that we are in need of a Savior that we can see our loved ones as no more or less than us.  We all sin.  We all disappoint.  We all make mistakes.  We all miss the mark.

What does this have to do with our friend, Kara, you might ask?  What about my life closely resembling a Hollywood movie?… and not the good kind!  Well, here goes…

Kara, went on to be miserable and then prideful to the point of her own destruction.  She buried herself in romance novels and duties to hide her disappointments.  She became determined to raise ‘perfect’ children and from the outside have the ‘perfect’ life. She tried to fill her emptiness with all these impressive facades that made it even more difficult to reach out to those around her for help and understanding.  This same woman who grieved the ‘loss’ of her life, related to other wives but refused to admit it, even to herself. She sunk lower and lower into depression until she found herself drowning in her darkness.  She made an attempt to get out once. She reached out for help and we came in the middle of the night to rescue her from her increasingly abusive husband.  Yes, that’s right.  Me, my meth stricken husband, a terrified woman who didn’t even have enough freedom to get her driving license, and her four confused and equally terrified children planned an escape in the middle of the night while her husband was on a ride along with the local police department.

Our hearts were racing as the icy air from the clear winter night swirled around us, biting at our skin.  We jumped back into the vehicles and fled the place that this spiritually beaten woman called home.  When I asked her if she was scared, she said, “Yes, but only that this feeling will go away and I will give in when he comes to get me.”  My heart stopped. Oh no… Here I am again. I knew exactly what feeling she was talking about. It was that feeling that said, one more breath in this life and your breathing will cease.  Seeing your life flash before your eyes, unfinished.  Needing to get out, but not knowing how, and it still being worth it to try. Fear, nausea, panic, loneliness, pain, adrenaline, determination, weakness and foreign strength all at once.  ALL…  AT… ONCE.  I remember thinking, “Oh my God.”  and for the first time, I was really meaning, “OH MY GOD!  Dear God please save me.”

The next morning, Kara went back to her husband who spent hours convincing her on my couch that he loved her and he would not hurt her again.  He lied.

I knew he would lie.  Just like I knew my husband would lie.  It is what we do when we don’t want to face our problems.  We convince ourselves ‘we can fix this’. I also knew I had been lying to my husband and to myself.  I didn’t love him anymore.  I didn’t love me anymore. I didn’t love anything anymore.  I didn’t even love God anymore.  I was a liar. I lied when I said I could handle it.  I lied when I said I was giving God control over my life.  I lied when I said I was providing a safe place for my children.  I lied when I said I would be okay.  I lied.

It didn’t take long for me to see my life for what it was.  Mine.  My own. Mine! Dammit!  When did I claim my life as my own?  When did I allow my heart to deceive me? When did I long for all that was wrong for me?  When did I get trapped in seeking perfection, deceived that there even is such thing? When did I think that my husband would surface in his addiction if I was good enough?  When did I stop expecting the enemy to attack?  When did I make the decision to be his victim over and over and over again?  I still don’t know when because it was obviously a slow burn.  Through porthole of greed and pride, the enemy sunk his slimy teeth into my self-image and expectations.  He dripped his venom in my heart slowly, creating anger and self-righteousness to the extreme.  I had become my own perfect enemy.

Within days of realizing of the truth of my situation, God went to work…  Previously that year (before the incident above), in my longing for perfect acceptance, I had turned to another man, via an internet relationship.  It wasn’t sexual, actually.  We talked of things that didn’t matter.  Movies, places to travel to, dream jobs and all those happy topics.  Only a couple of times did we approach the subject on why I was planning on leaving my husband and just as often did we touch on why he left his wife.  We were both still married, both seeking comfort outside of our marriages and neither of us involving God in any of it.  I talked to his mom and sought advice from a woman who just wanted to see her son happy. Yes, really.  I was ignorant. I thought happiness could be a result of a plan I could create. I would make all the right decisions and all the right moves this time.  It would be perfect!

Yeah, well, not exactly…

God started to make it clear that I had faults and that although my sin was not going to create physical memories that haunted me, I would be haunted by my actions all the same.  When I told my husband of my plan to leave his unworthy self and make a new life for my worthy self, he called his mom in despair.  She called me and cried.  It was the first time I had ever heard her cry.  It broke me…  She begged me to not take her babies away and swore she would support my decision to leave her son, but please just don’t take the kids so far away.  Guilt in the fact that I had not even considered what this action would do to the rest of my family including my kids contact with their grandparents, was a huge flag for me.  I never wanted pain for my kids. I knew I was making the wrong decision but how could I go back now?  It was out and everyone knew my secret! I promised it anyway.  I promised not to leave.

1 John 1:8
If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us.

The reason I couldn’t seek God for help openly, was because I really felt that for Him to help me, He had to change those around me.  As Kara left my house that day, she mouthed the words through her car window, “I’m so sorry.”  I couldn’t understand.  Why was she going back?  Why was she allowing this life to continue? Yes, those were questions in my mind but my confusion was not over those.  I knew the answers for those questions.  What I couldn’t understand was why was she apologizing to me? Why on earth was she sorry for me?  She was the one in agony and agreeing to go back to a life of misery and loneliness. I turned and walked into my house and it seemed so filthy.  The walls were dirty, and there were dishes in the sink.  There were stacks of papers on my desk and the carpet needed vacuumed. There was laundry overflowing over huge laundry baskets and the cushions were pulled out our recliner.  I realized in that moment that my house was a perfect picture of how numb I had become to my own sin.  I had made a habit out of looking at my sin as out of my hands.  Victimization. Kara wasn’t the only one agreeing to go back to a life of misery and loneliness.  I too was making that decision.

My husband forgave my infidelity and I felt God was telling me that through infidelity, my marriage would be healed.  Seriously, don’t laugh or send me hate mail.  I’m not saying God wished for it, but that I was to wait until infidelity was evident before I was permitted to leave my marriage.  I knew I wasn’t going back there (infidelity) but I knew I wanted out still.  Brace yourself… this is where it gets human.  I prayed.  I prayed for my husband to commit adultery, not realizing he already had at this point, so that I could be free of my marriage.  I’m just being honest here… if this is too much, please feel free to judge me. You won’t be the first or the last. 🙂  …

… As time went by and he was staying gone for more days at a time, I knew it was getting close.  I had relief due to the lack of arguing but fear because of the people showing up to look for my husband.  I was finding more and more time to read my bible and oddly was for the first time without people telling me, understanding it.  There was a peace that had begun to fill my previously tortured sleeping hours.  I was sleeping over half of the time that my kids were sleeping and I found time to play with them again.  Schooling was a sought after structure rather than a resented one and I physically felt God healing me.

I was pulling into our park when my husband’s friend, excited to be a part of the drama, stopped me and handed me his phone.  The woman on the other line, claimed to have shared my husbands affections and poured out the apologies as if her life depended on it.  Apparently it had happened while I was watching her children for several weeks so she wouldn’t lose them to the state. Apparently, my response was not as expected, and I saw the disappointment on the drama seekers face when I said thank you and went home. What was supposed to be devastating was like a breath of fresh air.  Discovering the time that it happened was surprising for me as it was just before my online relationship became personal but it was just more of a confirmation for me that I was free of my marriage.  I called my husband and he denied it.  Predictable. I got another call from another woman. Not so predictable. I started to feel deception instead of confirmation… I prayed against it.  I put all of my husbands belongings on the porch, shut the door and opened a window into my new life.

To make a super long story short… I had NO CLUE that my new life would include my husband!!! That’s right, during our separation, God flooded me with His love from every direction. Unbeknownst to me, God was also flooding my husband with His love from every direction as well.  My husband will have to tell you about his journey  on another day, but as for me and my journey, I was asked to stop lying to myself, stop expecting people to be superhuman, stop trying to have all the answers and trust God.  When I first realized God was asking me to welcome my husband back into my heart, I literally threw my bible across the room!  Needless to say, I was not excited at first.

God healed me… God healed my husband… God healed our marriage.  God, made his strength perfect in our weakness.  It’s been years since He first healed us, knowing what we couldn’t.  I don’t wake up every morning feeling like I’m on my honeymoon… trust me, it’s not perfect. I still wake up with last nights laundry on the floor, bills on the table and older at every glance in the mirror, but I wake up every morning knowing that God is perfect and through Him, I will always be loved.  I don’t need to look for it elsewhere, but I am so grateful that God has given it to me anyway. My husband is my hero. He loves God and is a wonderful husband and father. Thanks to God, I have both love from my husband and my King. I may not live the perfect life, but I am perfectly loved.

Sweetly Broken

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